Scarcity of Paper Towels at Holy Cross Leads to Kimball Chicken Offering Substitutes
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In the latest campus news, students at Holy Cross are facing a unique set of challenges as finals week approaches. Here's a roundup of the most recent developments:
Finals Week Cautions
Students have been advised to exercise caution during finals week, especially when navigating the slippery stairs leading to Kimball. The chilly temperatures forecasted for the week are expected to make the steps even more treacherous.
Paper Towel Shortage
Holy Cross has been grappling with a sudden shortage of paper towels. With communal bathrooms and crowded Kimball lines, this shortage has become a significant concern, particularly as illnesses like the Holy Cough, Brooks Bug, and Dinand Disease have been creeping into the dorms and classrooms.
Kimball Chicken as a Solution?
In an unexpected turn of events, the administration has announced that leftover Kimball chicken will replace paper towels in an effort to conserve resources. However, it's important to note that there is no evidence to suggest that Holy Cross is repurposing chicken in place of paper towels or that there is a surplus of chicken being used as a paper towel alternative.
The Kimball Chicken Phenomenon
The Kimball chicken, known for its inability to decompose and its neon green glow, has been discovered in Lower Kimball. Despite Dr. Fauci's confirmation that the chicken is non-harmful to the touch, he warns that it may be harmful to the stomach. The decision to use Kimball chicken as a paper towel alternative was made due to its similarity and texture to paper towels, and its suitability for students with sensitive skin.
Spring Break Immersion Program
Over 125 Holy Cross students returned from the Spring Break Immersion Program this week, having participated in 17 different locations ranging from Boston to Washington state.
Vaccination Clinics
To combat the sickness creeping into the campus, pop-up vaccination clinics have been set up at Health Services. Students are encouraged to take advantage of these clinics to protect themselves and their peers.
Student Stress Levels
As finals season approaches, students are experiencing high stress levels and tension. It's crucial for everyone to prioritise self-care, get plenty of rest, and stay focused during this critical period.
Stay tuned for more updates as we continue to monitor the situation at Holy Cross.
- The faculty at Holy Cross could organize stress-reducing outdoor events, such as campus picnics or outdoor yoga sessions, to help students cope with their high stress levels during finals week.
- In light of the sudden shortage of paper towels, the faculty's home-and-garden club could organize a plant sale to raise funds for purchasing more paper towels or other alternatives.
- To combat the ill effects of the slippery stairs leading to Kimball during finals week, the student council could organize a newsletter campaign educating students about the best ways to navigate the campus during the winter season.
- As a response to the ongoing occurrence of 'The Kimball Chicken' phenomenon, the student media could run a feature story on the 'lifestyle' of outdoor-living, highlighting the benefits of natural, biodegradable alternatives to chunks of questionable ingredients.
